I know that I am way too hard on myself way too much of the time, and I wonder if it is a learned behavior? Something that we’ve “acquired” from growing up with diabetes?

Nothing wise or remarkable for me to say today, just that I appreciate each and every one of your blogs. You help me to think down deeper than I want to sometimes, but the end result is that I can then cope with the truth of my feelings, and try to do better with not beating myself up, and move on. Thank you Leanne for this post!

Donna, that last part:
“its hard though, when everyone around you thinks that diabetes is an excuse for everything you do or feel.”

That, for me, is the Hardest part. After 22 years I decided to be more open with family about what I go through. And 2 years later, we are still going through it. And will for many more. No one can truly have a glimpse into what it is like, living with a chronic illness, unless they do themselves.

Ok, Lee Ann. My heart was breaking for you, Knowing what you have gone through, as a girl, teenager, woman (diabetes aside society puts way too much weight in looks and it’s Awful). Knowing I have been there too. Plus we have that T1 Dthang going for us too. Does not make it any easier.

So for a moment, ((((((hugs)))))).
Now, remember how far you have come. (This is my mother speaking to me, at least once a week so I am extending it to you and to all others).
I find myself saying “Two steps forward, Five steps back, w. t. f.”
Why can’t I get it right? Why do I get 4 hours of good feelings, good bt’s and the rest of the day is shot?? What the hell can I do right? Anything??!!
or
I know better!! I know what works, what doesn’t yet I SWAGged my way through another outing with family or friends. I know better. And now I am paying for it.

Some days I pat myself on the back or get excited over a 87 post meal in the am (like today, nice for me! but I blame the dreaming, it was intense and my doctor and I don’t agree in this area).

I digress.

So why is it that I have now reverted to, woo hoo BUT.
How can I use that knowledge, what I do, why I do the BUT when I do?
I can turn it into something positive? How can I have more positive than negative thoughts, encouragement, pats on the back?

The hard part is, like you wrote, “I know my criticisms don’t inspire me to do better, and I think they exist in my head as some sort of sub-consciously self-imposed punishment for having a disease with a mind of its own.”

Stupid ‘betus. Wth. Leave me alone for awhile would ya?!

This is such a great, Open, Honest, heart-felt post and I thank you for it. You touch upon so many things that women go through, that PWDs go through, that those living with a chronic illness go through. And so many are afraid to discuss, admit. I understand that. It’s hard.

But again, you have come so far because you are So aware of it all. I call it a blessing and a curse, being so aware like that. It reminds you of everything you do to yourself, say to yourself.

And it’s also a process, of getting better at not being our own worst-enemies. Only we truly know ourselves, what we think, feel, go through. Only we can change it. Holy pressure.

It’s up to us and that takes a toll.
But having support like the DOC helps, a lot. It opens our eyes to: I’m not the only one.

But ultimately, it is up to us to make a change, see an issue etc etc.

I am seriously rambaling here. And sp did not like that word.
That’s my cue….

Again, thank you for sharing. This is such an important aspect of a chronic illness that no one (family, friends, doctors) would not go near, would not discuss, would dismiss or simply don’t get. Everything affects our diabetes management. It’s about balance and it’s hard to find and hold.

I feel like I am leaving something out, there was something else I wanted to say. I think I have said enough?

You’re doing Great Lee Ann. Great.

I’ll try to d better. its hard though, when everyone around you thinks that diabetes is an excuse for everything you do or feel.