Silencing the Enemy Within
I’ve written before about how I used to read women’s fashion magazines, but gave them up a number of years ago. I read Seventeen and the like as a young teenager. Once I was a little older, I’d pick up copies of Glamour and Cosmo while standing in line at the supermarket because the headlines about the latest spring fashions and how to make your boyfriend melt appealed to the impulse-buyer/young-woman-trying-to-find-her-way in me.
As I battled to make peace with my body though, I came to recognize how unhappy I’d feel about myself and my body every time I flipped through the pages and saw the models with their flawless complexions and lithe bodies. The mental messages about how I wasn’t as pretty or thin would snowball, sometimes with a hint of pathetic hope that if I just exercised a little more or ate a little less I could wear a dress or a swimsuit and look as good as they did. Sometimes the message was bleaker though, self-critiques morphed into the equivalent of emotional abuse, a painful barrage of thoughts targeting a flimsy sense of self-worth made unstable by a long-standing resentment against a body that had been uncooperative for almost as long as I could recall.
I didn’t give up the magazines cold turkey. I gave them up in waves. I’d stop reading them, but then decide they weren’t as sinister as I had thought them to be so I might pick them up again for a while. Quickly enough though, I’d recognize the negative feelings, acknowledge that I was right to stop buying them, and go for some period of time without them, until I’d pick up one again, thinking one occasional read wouldn’t matter. Like crack though, even the occasional hit proved to be far less innocuous than I wanted to believe.
Even now, I feel exposed admitting that I won’t buy them because they make me insecure about my body. Despite being fully recovered from an eating disorder, that magazine photos of anorexic models, likely Photoshopped at that, could affect my thoughts and perceptions about myself is an embarrassing disclosure. I try to put a positive spin on it, telling myself that at least I have the insight to understand how my thoughts are affected so I can take care of myself, but that feels like the self-consolation equivalent of being told, “at least you have a good personality.”
The fact of the matter though is that our thoughts have a very powerful influence over us, and our thoughts are influenced by the people and things around us. There’s a reason why people extol the power of positive thinking, or why we try to surround ourselves with people who make us feel good about ourselves. It’s hard to constantly be with people or in circumstances that make us feel badly about ourselves, make us doubt ourselves, or make us depressed.
I’ve spent many years coming to understand the sources of the beliefs I had that fueled my eating disorder, and part of coming to that understanding meant coming to some understanding about my beliefs about having diabetes and being a diabetic. Just as I eventually developed sensitivity to how the negative mental messages affected my eating disordered behaviors and my beliefs about myself, I am developing a greater sensitivity to the messages I tell myself about diabetes.
Glass Half Empty (credit: www.savagechickens.com)
At this point, a big part of my increased awareness about that internal dialogue about diabetes is from having developed relationships with other diabetics in the DOC – bloggers, twitterers, facebookers, and diabetes community members. I’m deeply affected when I see my fellow ‘betics berating themselves for a litany of “crimes”. Forgetting to bolus, overindulging in carb-rich foods, having inaccurately guesstimated carbs, being away from home without appropriate supplies, over-treating lows, treating highs too aggressively, miscalculating the effects of being sick or drinking or exercising, mishandling people’s questions and comments, judging oneself for having been neglectful of diabetes care once upon a time, and whatever I’m omitting – the list of things for which I’ve seen you, my friends, come down on yourselves is painfully long.
I do it too though, I’m well-aware. The anger, frustration, disappointment, aggravation I feel with myself for my diabetes transgressions weighs on me at times. It’s not just the little day to day stuff that gets me, like having under-bolused for that Japanese food I had for dinner last night. There are times when I stew over how many years or possibly decades I’ve decapitated off my life by ignoring my diabetes for close to 20 years. There’s no one to blame but myself, and at this point in my life, I’m not shy about smothering myself in that blame. I imagine how angry Jason will be at me if I die prematurely because in the end, there really is no one else to blame but me. I did it. I’m responsible. I’m the one who fucked up.
The irony isn’t lost on me that if one of my friends were flagellating themselves as I do at times, I wouldn’t hesitate with words of encouragement, pleading that they be more self-forgiving, reminding them that we’re human, we’re just doing the best we can with a disease that seems to want to thwart us every step of the way. It sounds pretty good, almost convincing when I pass that advice on to someone who needs it, so why can’t I give myself the same pep talk? What makes my friend in need more deserving of consoling than me when I’m in the same state of mind? Why do we not question the almost constant negative dialogues that exist in our heads?
The Little Engine That Could
Someone, I think on twitter, linked to this post on DailyOM, Five Things: A Self-Esteem Exercise, about the messages we tell ourselves (unfortunately, it’s been at least a couple of weeks since they linked, so I don’t remember to whom I should give credit…). The post is more general, but if anyone needs to practice telling themselves something positive, it would be every last diabetic I know, all the ones I’ve yet to know, and those I’ll never meet. We are an awfully self-critical bunch! Just as I once took steps to stop the negative dialogue in my head about everything I disliked about my body and my distorted beliefs about food and eating, I think it’s high time all of us start to develop a greater awareness of the negative diabetes messages we tell ourselves. They don’t really benefit us. I know my criticisms don’t inspire me to do better, and I think they exist in my head as some sort of sub-consciously self-imposed punishment for having a disease with a mind of its own.
It’s my goal to change this because it’s not serving any positive purpose. I’ve been taking note when I start to come down on myself. I’ve been taking note when you do it too, trying to understand why I can so clearly see why you should be more forgiving, but when it comes to myself, the path to forgiveness is clouded. In the spirit of the aforementioned link to DailyOM’s Five Things: A Self-Esteem Exercise, here are my Five Positive Things about Diabetes:
1. Every day, I try to make the best decisions I can regarding my diabetes care given the circumstances of each moment
2. Last night, although my BG was headed up, I bolused and followed-up with another bolus, regularly checking to make sure my BG was coming down and stabilizing
3. After having run out of a couple of pills and not taking them over the weekend, I picked up my prescriptions last night, and got back on track with my meds
4. I got my daily serving of omega-3 yesterday by eating hot cereal for breakfast and wheat-flax bread for lunch
5. Despite the years I messed up, I pulled it together, and as a result, I’ve seen some impending complications stop, and some that have even reversed themselves – and if that’s not something to feel good about, I don’t know what is.
What about you? Do you find yourself freely handing out support to others, but in short supply for yourself? Is your mental diabetes dialogue heavy on criticism, and light on positive reinforcement? Can you come up with 5 positive statements, and tell yourself those things instead of listening (and believing) those negative messages? What are your Five Positive Things about Diabetes?
you’re right Lee Ann…I honestly don’t have 5 positive tings to say to myself or anyone else today.
I ate out 3 times this past weekend, had cake on 2 of those days and my sugar is running high (for reasons unlikely related to what I ate, but won’t discuss here if ykwim lol)
I’ll try to d better. its hard though, when everyone around you thinks that diabetes is an excuse for everything you do or feel.
Lee Ann, I’ll get to you in a min….
Donna, that last part:
“its hard though, when everyone around you thinks that diabetes is an excuse for everything you do or feel.”
That, for me, is the Hardest part. After 22 years I decided to be more open with family about what I go through. And 2 years later, we are still going through it. And will for many more. No one can truly have a glimpse into what it is like, living with a chronic illness, unless they do themselves.
Ok, Lee Ann. My heart was breaking for you, Knowing what you have gone through, as a girl, teenager, woman (diabetes aside society puts way too much weight in looks and it’s Awful). Knowing I have been there too. Plus we have that T1 Dthang going for us too. Does not make it any easier.
So for a moment, ((((((hugs)))))).
Now, remember how far you have come. (This is my mother speaking to me, at least once a week so I am extending it to you and to all others).
I find myself saying “Two steps forward, Five steps back, w. t. f.”
Why can’t I get it right? Why do I get 4 hours of good feelings, good bt’s and the rest of the day is shot?? What the hell can I do right? Anything??!!
or
I know better!! I know what works, what doesn’t yet I SWAGged my way through another outing with family or friends. I know better. And now I am paying for it.
Some days I pat myself on the back or get excited over a 87 post meal in the am (like today, nice for me! but I blame the dreaming, it was intense and my doctor and I don’t agree in this area).
I digress.
So why is it that I have now reverted to, woo hoo BUT.
How can I use that knowledge, what I do, why I do the BUT when I do?
I can turn it into something positive? How can I have more positive than negative thoughts, encouragement, pats on the back?
The hard part is, like you wrote, “I know my criticisms don’t inspire me to do better, and I think they exist in my head as some sort of sub-consciously self-imposed punishment for having a disease with a mind of its own.”
Stupid ‘betus. Wth. Leave me alone for awhile would ya?!
This is such a great, Open, Honest, heart-felt post and I thank you for it. You touch upon so many things that women go through, that PWDs go through, that those living with a chronic illness go through. And so many are afraid to discuss, admit. I understand that. It’s hard.
But again, you have come so far because you are So aware of it all. I call it a blessing and a curse, being so aware like that. It reminds you of everything you do to yourself, say to yourself.
And it’s also a process, of getting better at not being our own worst-enemies. Only we truly know ourselves, what we think, feel, go through. Only we can change it. Holy pressure.
It’s up to us and that takes a toll.
But having support like the DOC helps, a lot. It opens our eyes to: I’m not the only one.
But ultimately, it is up to us to make a change, see an issue etc etc.
I am seriously rambaling here. And sp did not like that word.
That’s my cue….
Again, thank you for sharing. This is such an important aspect of a chronic illness that no one (family, friends, doctors) would not go near, would not discuss, would dismiss or simply don’t get. Everything affects our diabetes management. It’s about balance and it’s hard to find and hold.
I feel like I am leaving something out, there was something else I wanted to say. I think I have said enough?
You’re doing Great Lee Ann. Great.
I have certainly noticed that I am a lot harder on myself since my Diabetic (re)awakening ~8 months ago. It’s one of those things where I know that greater control is going to come with some self sacrifice and thus greater self critique-ness (is that even close to a word?). I believe that I have to be my harshest critic if I am going to maintain the level of control I feel necessary to stay healthy, of course this means that I will be the first person to overreact to one of the many issues I am likely to deal with on a daily basis with Wilford. It’s like trying to find that balance between Tony Dungy and Bob Knight in the self-coaching/motivation department. As ridiculous as this metaphor is becoming, I think there is something to being tough, but not unreasonable. Then again, we are all unique snowflakes. My thought process on this is likely one-of-a-kind compared to the rest of the Wilford Brimely Fan Club.
Like anything in life, I am realizing with each passing year of my existance, it’s all about balance. If we can posess just enough self-discipline to strive for the best we can achieve but counter that with just the right amount of self-love to accept our humanness and the inevitability that we are going to make mistakes, we’d all be so darn well adjusted. With regards to those evil fashion mags, I just don’t see what positive thing they contribute to our society. I, for one, always felt like crap about myself after I thumbed through one of those back in my teen years. And yet I would purchase the following month’s issue. It is indeed like crack. I don’t touch them now. I don’t need to feel like that. And I certainly don’t want my girls to see me reading that crap! However, I don’t recall my own mother reading those magazines. I’m quite certain it was completely peer influence that had me thinking I needed to refer to them. Friends of mine would bring them to school. I remember around grad time those magazines where in every girls stack of books as we wandered the highschool halls because we were all in the market for a grad dress. As a female it’s incredibly hard to escape the pressure to look a certain way right from adolescence.
Todays post really made me think down deep. I’m having a really hard time right now accepting how wild my daughters blood sugars have been, and I can’t seem to get myself out of angry mode. You said “there really is no one else to blame but me. I did it. I’m responsible. I’m the one who fucked up.” and that is exactly how I feel every day when I so eagerly await to see her logged numbers from the school day. I always think I’m going to see progress, and when the numbers are still just as screwy that is the exact thought I have running through my mind. And then I carry that with me until I get things adjusted and see better numbers.
Nothing wise or remarkable for me to say today, just that I appreciate each and every one of your blogs. You help me to think down deeper than I want to sometimes, but the end result is that I can then cope with the truth of my feelings, and try to do better with not beating myself up, and move on. Thank you Leanne for this post!
fabulous post, particularly at the end with your five thoughts about diabetes.
You got it together, babe!
Love, Mom
This is an incredible post. I’m emerging out of a internet-less move and catching up on blogs. I have too much to say in response, but luckily much of it has already been said by you and your comment-ers! I think the D dx brings a big slice of wisdom along with it. I was low the entire moving process, still am trying to get up, and felt more in touch than usual with how I criticize myself/my D. And I can relate SO much to what you say about having trouble taking the advice you can dish out – it’s almost like another layer of self-deprivation; “other people deserve advice, love, and forgiveness – but I just am supposed to give it.” Something that a woman from group said a few meetings ago has been ringing in my head lately, she said “I think sometimes we’re scared of success, too” – and when I read what you said about diabetes as the “self-imposed punishment”. Much more to think over as a result of this post… thank you so much for writing it.
thank you this was a great post.
What a great post Lee Ann! I too am one who can’t follow my own advice most of the time (but aren’t we all?).
I know that I am way too hard on myself way too much of the time, and I wonder if it is a learned behavior? Something that we’ve “acquired” from growing up with diabetes?