My Center
Naturally, when I’m at home and have enough time to write, even when I have ideas, I can’t seem to conjure up any inspiration, but when I get to school and my days are consumed with classes and reading, with barely enough time to eat and sleep, things are happening, and I want to share them. Technically, I’ve been a student for a couple of months. I had lots of reading to do at home prior to arriving on campus, but being enrolled in school didn’t feel very real until I got here. I’m living in a dorm that’s way fancier than the dorm I had as an undergraduate student. It’s a suite, and my bedroom is carpeted, and all but one wall is actually drywall. There’s one lone cinder block wall to remind me that I am in fact in a dorm room. My suite-mate is awesome, so I lucked out in that respect. She’s a year ahead of me in the program, and has shared advice and perspectives which have been really valuable. She’s also heightened my sense of the realness of this experience by giving insight into the amount of work that’s in my future, so my excitement about the learning and growth I expect to experience is giving way to moments of what-was-I-thinking panic.
I knew this was going to be an investment of unfathomable time and energy, but the anticipation of jumping in, and actually being in the water, heading towards the deep end are two different things. The amount of reading is exponentially multiplying which is freaking me out, and the ideas presented in class and ensuing discussions are making my head spin. A lot of the concepts are over my head. I consider myself to be a pretty smart gal, but when I can’t wrap my brain around the class material, I question whether or not I’ve bitten off more than I can chew here. Logically, I know I’ll come out the other side if I keep my eye on the prize, but I have some natural questions, doubts and fears.
For the last three mornings, I had a class called Multidisciplinary Seminar. The course objective is to explore how different disciplines overlap, and how knowledge in one discipline can lead to knowledge in other disciplines, a phenomenon that directly relates to my interest in art therapy’s application in diabetes care. This is one of the courses that is making my head spin though. I know the concepts need to incubate, and they will eventually gel, but at present, it’s a lot of intellectual gibber-jabber. Thankfully, the instructor’s approach is very supportive, not only of the learning process as it relates to her course, but also of the overall doctoral student experience.
As such, before we delved into discussing course material, knowing we’re all acclimating, she talked about centering, which she described as finding one’s core, the values that inspired everyone in class to pursue doctoral education. She reminded us to focus on these values when things begin to feel overwhelming, and she wanted us to identify and share. She gave us time to write down the things that represent our respective cores, and encouraged us to make it into a creative writing exercise and create poems. (Remember, this is a creative arts therapies program, so there’s a strong emphasis on integrating creative processes into the learning process.) We only had about 5 minutes, so the poem I wrote reflects my stream of consciousness way more than literary skill. I didn’t explicitly say it, but the DOC is part of my core, and I alluded to that. As I have for the last several years, I know I will turn to you when I start to struggle, I know you will continue to be a source of encouragement and inspiration for me, especially when I am most doubtful and fearful. You’re good like that.
My Center
My love, my beacon
My husband, my Jason
My past, my journey
My darkness, my depression
My body, my disease
My pincushion, my diabetes
My friends, my community
My support, my constants
My creativity, my mess
My transformation, my art
aw, that’s lovely lee ann.
I hope you are incredibly proud of yourself. This is a big thing you’re doing (I know you know that) and you are already rocking it (don’t doubt that for a second).
So beautifully simple, and complex at the same time. Great center, Lee Ann. You can so do this, my friend. That self-doubt and uncertainty is so natural, but your creativity and awesomeness shines through. Definitely lots to be proud of. Congrats on pursuing your dream and so fully embracing it.
Wow, that is quite good, Lee Ann. Thanks for sharing it.
Dude, if this is the type of magic that comes out of your experiences through school, I feel inclined to pitch in towards the tuition!
What a beautiful and haunting piece. Thank you for sharing your journey – I’m finding reading all about your return to student life very very inspiring.
[...] program studying art therapy in diabetes (congrats!) and one of her first assignments is to write about her personal core, which she says includes the Diabetes Online [...]